It's over

So.  I've put this off for a few days.  Notice I said DAYS and not MONTHS like I did last time I had some unfortunate news. Friday I took the day off and met Cody at the courthouse.  I got there at 8, and by 8:45 the divorce was finalized and the marriage was officially over.  We all know that it's really been over for a very long time, but there was something so......I don't even know what......about standing in front of that judge. 

I didn't cry.

I've cried all my tears. 

I didn't smile. 

It's not what was supposed to happen.

But it's done. And there really isn't too much more to say on the topic. I've written how I feel in various posts along the way.  Now I've just got closure. 

The tricky part from here on out is when the questions start coming in from the kids.  Just two days ago Luke asked for the first time why Daddy and Daisy don't live with us.  I didn't know what to say.  I don't know how to answer that.  And I have the feeling it's not really going to get easier. 

So.  There's that.

Now I've just got a whole slew of pictures from the last few weeks.  Most of them don't need explaining.  Some of them do.  That boy of mine is coming up with some pretty hilarious ideas in his head. 

See?  I had no clue he even knew what ghosts were.  The way that he "argues" with you and tries to convince you of his way cracks me up.  Take last night.  He really wanted Smarties with his dinner.  I told him if he ate his dinner THEN he could have them.  "Ooooor, maybe I'll just have them with my dinner." (said with the cutest grin ever) I echoed him with AFTER dinner.  His response was the same.  Guess who eventually won?

ME!  One day he'll learn that I always win.  ;)

They had a big bulletin up at church with lots of kid's artwork explaining what they were thankful for.  Luke's?

The sticker says "I am thankful for..." Train Tracks.  No surprise there.

 

Cody brought over some superhero costumes the other day that a friend of his had passed on from his kid.  After a few days of sitting there, Luke finally took an interest.  This was a first.

 

 

And I don't think he knew what to do about it. Sure he has his ornery moments.  He gets stubborn and frustrated and impossible when he doesn't know how to handle all of his feelings. But this face?

 

 

I could cuddle for a million years. 

 

Her face too.

 

 

Girlfriend has been BUSY.  She explores and tastes and plays and wants to be just like Bubba in all the worst ways.  His cup is the best.  His toys are the best.  When the big kids play she tries so hard to keep up.  She gets frustrated when she can't.  She still doesn't have any words except for Mom, which makes her frustrations even harder to handle.  She's taken up biting.  :(  Not hard, not ever broken skin, but she does put her teeth on you and squeezes ever so slightly.  Luke didn't bite at all, so I have no idea what to do about it. 

 

Evan has also started to have a little bit of separations anxiety.  Breaks my momma heart.  During bath time she can't bear for me to even step out of the room for a second.  Luke takes 10 years to eat dinner and wants me to sit at the table with him.  Obviously I can't do both at the same time.  Which makes for evenings like this.

 

 

One kid in the bath happily drawing on my back with an old soap dispenser, while the other one dines on the potty telling me about his day.  It's parenting at it's finest.

 

And finally, just a few more of the shenanigans of the Little.

 

 

Feed me? Put me in here and give me food?

 

I was tossing out the very end of an old box of Cheerios that had gone way stale.  She found them.  She opened them. She didn't care.

 

This is what happens when you FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT the mid-church nap.  You don't even make it out of the parking lot.

Sprinklers.  Need I say more?

 

 

 

 

First day of PreK

'ello.  I'm breaking my silence.  I didn't mean to fall silent.  A lot of things have been going on, most of which I can't really talk about yet, and the idea of sitting down to peck something out actually made my skin crawl a little.  Just couldn't do it.  But....I think I may be better now.  Besides, the picture are piling up and I need to do something about it.

 

Yesterday was Luke's first day of Pre-K.  Not nursery school.  Not preschool.  Pre. KINDERGARTEN.  Holy moly sakes alive.  His teacher has sent home laminated papers to practice handwriting.

 

HANDWRITING.

 

My child can't even trace a shape, but by the end of the year he's going to be writing?

 

No.  No, I refuse to believe he's growing up. 

 

Cindy's house is waaaaaaaaaaaaay out of the way from school and work, so I had Mom come a grab Evan on her way to school yesterday morning and drop her off (which happens to be on the way for her).  This left me and the boy at home alone for about an hour before I got to take him.  What a sweet treat for me.  We ate breakfast.  We made the beds together.  I took his picture.  He insisted on taking mine.  I was a little sad that Evan couldn't be in the pictures too, but I'll survive.

 

When I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up, he said "I wanna grow up like you do Mom." Cue the tears.  I asked him a couple of more times to make sure that's what he wanted, and I was always met with the same response.  Oh, my heart.

 

 

Some of his pictures were actually fairly steady, not the usual blurs of motion.

 

 

Single parenting 101: learn to take self portraits.

 

 

Walking in.  I wanted to make him an awesome messenger style bag, but people made fun of me, telling me I couldn't send him to school with a messenger bag.  :(  So, I hadn't gotten him a new one yet.

 

 

His sweet sweet teacher.  I think she is going to be EXCELLENT for my boy.

 

One thing I don't think his teacher planned on was that Luke and his three best friends are all in the same class together.  He he he.  Good luck with that!  Dakota and Zane both were in preschool last year too, but this is Jadyn's (pictured above) first year.  Tamara handled it like a champ.  I got teary eyed in the car right before we walked in, telling Luke how much I loved him and how proud I was of him, but then I chided myself to get it together.  We weren't even in the building yet.  As I was about to walk out the door, leaving my baby, Shae walked in.  She squeezed my arm, told me it was okay, and reminded me that we've done this before and it wasn't kindergarten.  She had a point.  I held it together and was grateful that my baby was about to have a great day.

And a great day he did.  Mrs. Stuart has TRAINS and CARS to play with.  So, life is perfection in his eyes.

Goal for tomorrow: catch up on the last two (three?) weeks.