Reflections

*Pictures aren't going to reflect the text, and just warning: they are all of Elyse. Not because I love her more, but because she's the only kid I had this weekend!*

So Friday night I took down the tree, and yesterday I put away all of the rest of the decorations and found homes for all the things that didn't have homes yet. I actually like to take down the tree by myself. Not because it's easier without little hands trying to "help", but because I like to reflect and wonder.

Okay. Maybe not having "help" does help.

I thought about what life was like last time I took down the tree. I remember being hopeful. Wondering how my family would change. Wondering what my Christmas card would look like this year. Wondering what new things the kids would be doing and how they would grow this year.

Well, my family did change. Not nearly in the way that I thought- I thought if there was to be a new mouth to feed, it would belong to someone a little more masculine, about 6 times taller and 15 time heavier. I thought my son would be starting kindergarten and my daughter would be having the best time at Cindy's as the reigning princess.  

why three outfits with the same leggings? because due to leaky diapers, this girl needed three onesies in about 5 hours.

Ahhh. That's the problem with "wondering" isn't it. You get little nuggets of expectations that you didn't even realize you had, and then poof! Life happens, plans change, and you just keep on going. 

So. My Christmas card didn't have all the faces that I thought it would. I never dreamed that it would double as a birth announcement.

But holy moly, I'm so glad that this is the face that's there. I mean come on! Look at her! I would have never in a million years pictured that face and now I have no idea what I'd do without it. Luke didn't start kindergarten. He is KILLING it at jr. kindergarten though, which is exactly what should happen when you are exactly where you need to be. Evan is the reigning princess at Cindy's, now complete with her own little court.

So now it's time to wonder about the year that is coming upon us. How will my family change this year? What will happen to us? What kinds of adventures does 2014 hold for each of us? Will I have the same job? Will we need a new car? Am I finally going to patch the cracks in the sheet rock from getting the foundation fixed and repaint? (okay. that last one is a little specific. but I need to do this, people!)

I'm trying hard not to have too many expectations. I've been thinking a lot lately about how I'm letting God use me, and I've kinda come to the conclusion that I'm not. It's what happens when you have too many plans for yourself. So this control freak is going to try and let go. I know, I KNOW, that God has the very best planned for me and is just waiting for me to trust Him in it. It's time that I actually live out what I claim to believe. So here's to 2014, people. I'm ready if you are.

Y U SO CLOSE? WHO DAT BABY I SEE?

Lonely vs. Contentment

I'm sitting here on my couch. It's a gorgeous day. The temp has finally dropped, the windows are open, my sweet home is filled with natural light and a cool breeze. After a morning of errands, my amazing children are playing nicely together in a tidy house and life feels peaceful.  I've got a Mercy Me station playing on the tv and their song "Bring the Rain" pulses around us. It occurs to me how applicable the lyrics are.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through

I'm struck again with internal conflict I've dealt with for the last two years. This whole issue with my deep desire to share my life with someone vs the ever looming possibility that God is actually calling me to be single. Looking around, I don't understand why someone wouldn't want this life with me- it's beautiful and messy and loud and peaceful all at the same time. It's GOOD. But does the loneliness actually mean that I'm not content? Does my desire for more mean I'm not doing this trust thing right? Can you really be content yet lonely at the same time?

The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
 
I don't believe my circumstances change who I am in God's eyes. Even if I don't always believe it in my heart, my head knows that God has seen the hurt and the pain, that He's not mad at me for getting pregnant or having a failed marriage.

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
 
If there has been anything to learn from the darkness of divorce and the pain of having another baby with an ex it's that I have no choice but to lean on Him. What else can I do? While I may hate that I've cried out to Him over and over again for things to get better, it really has never crossed my mind to turn my back.

So I pray
 Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Right now all I can see ahead of me are the long years stretched out of trying to do this by myself. The idea of all that loneliness is so overwhelming. You wouldn't believe how painful it is to watch everyone around me have happy marriages, post statuses about how amazing their spouse is, have all that seems just out of reach for me. But what if that's the only way for me to keep my eyes on Christ like I'm supposed to? Will I still follow? Will I still praise Him no matter what? Even though I'm so disappointed?

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
 
On days like today when the sun is shining and the air smells fresh and a breeze is blowing, it's much easier to say "what's a little rain?" But I know that another day is coming when there isn't peace. Heck it might even be this evening, when the kids are whining and my patience is gone and there isn't anyone to tag into the ring and let me slink away to a quiet corner. Will I be able to say "what's a little rain?" then?

So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I hope so. I'm not naïve enough to say that it will be my answer 100%, but I think as long as it's a work in progress God will be satisfied.

You are 5

My precious boy. Last Sunday you turned 5, and I just couldn't believe it.  I remember when you were born thinking that 5 seemed so far away, that I just couldn't picture my perfect baby as a 5 year old BOY, and that surely it would take forever to get here.

Yet here we are, and I'm pretty sure that was yesterday. 

 

These last 5 years have completely changed my life in every single aspect. You have taught me to be patient (okay, maybe I'm still learning). You have taught me to love something greater than myself. You have taught me unbridled joy and true delight. I can't imagine my life without buckets full of Hot Wheels, air planes, and having train books memorized. Where would I be without my daily "What fast cars did you see today?" "Did you see any trains?" "What kind of plane is your favorite?" questions? I can guarantee that at any given moment I have a small car within arm's reach- they are in my purse. They are in the couch. They sometimes appear in my pillow at night.

 

You are my independent boy who doesn't need much. You are, as always, so content to play on your own, do your own thing, not worry about the crowd around you. Every now and then I see the pang of disappointment of being left out, which tears at my heart, but you are so quick to move on and do what you want to do. I have always been able to let you be, never needing to hover or be untrusting.

 

The down side to your "I'll just do my thing" attitude? The respect issue. Oh my love. I couldn't love you more, but sometimes your attitude and your level respect is something left to be desired. Don't worry, we work on it constantly. And I tell you that the reason I want you to try it again is so that you will grow up to be a good, kind, and respectful man. That's always been my second biggest prayer for you (first, being that you always follow your Lord and let Him lead your life to things so much bigger than you).

 

 

So what are you up to? Well, you love to have conversations. I figured when I was so adamant about getting you speech therapy when you were 2 it would come back to bite me, and sure enough, here we are. You still love your planes, trains, and automobiles, and you are learning to love swimming (mostly the "going under water" part). You are 39ish lbs last I heard (I'm not taking you or your sister for your well checks until I'm on maternity leave in October) and while technically you could be starting kindergarten in the fall, I've prayerfully decided to hold you back another year. You'll be starting Jr. Kindergarten at LCS in the fall, and every single person I've told has told me it's not a decision I'll ever regret. I hope that one day you'll realized that having an extra year to grow and mature, to not be the very youngest in your class, was a gift.

 

Another thing about the fall- you get another little sister. I've loved watching you interact with Evan. Sometimes ya'll fight (okay, a lot of times) but sometimes you are so sweet. You actually really enjoy engaging her, playing chase or tools or games with her. You seek her out and include her. You watch out for her (even when she gets frustrated from not understanding and gets mad!) and you even share with her on occasion. Evan and Elyse are so very lucky to have you on their side, you to call big brother.

I love you babe.

More than you will ever know. You are my first born, my only son, my little man. Thank you for being you.

2 Years

My darling, darling girl. You are now officially a 2 year old.  I can not believe it.

But then I hang out with you for 2 minutes and I do believe it.

 

Evan, you are so full of personality that it just spills everywhere. Your language absolutely exploded over the last month, and you are now saying complete sentences, answer questions thoughtfully and correctly, and talk non stop. Sing non stop. Your favorite songs to sing are the ABC's and Wheels on the Bus, and you're favorite phrase to say is "No no Bubba!" You've even been known to say it when he's just sitting in his car seat next to you, not doing anything!  You aren't afraid to stand up for yourself, aren't shy to ask for what you want, and definitely love to explore. Where your brother has always been cautious and reserved, you live on the edge. No fear of water, no fear of heights, just a zealous joy to do whatever you can whenever you can. You love slides, swinging, swimming, running, playing with your brother (even though ya'll fight) and most of all- your babies.

("das cute Momma!")

Your babies. What a good little momma you are all ready. For your birthday you got another stroller (one that's not torn from you trying to ride in it yourself!), a baby bed, a baby high chair, a baby car seat and another baby. See a theme here? You put your baby to night night, wrap her in blankets (which can range from your lovie to a tee shirt. You aren't picky), take her for rides in the stoe-yer, and cover her with kisses.  I just know you are going to be THRILLED to DEATH when there is a real live baby in the house in a few months. Hope you don't mind sharing a room with your new sister!

("Momma's baby. Hey-whoa baby")

One thing about you that has just tickled me to no end is how much you love to do what I do. While you play trucks and trains with the best of them, there's never been a doubt about what a girly girl you are. Luke has not ever at any point copied me, but you want makeup when I'm putting on make up. You hike up your leg and put on lotion in the mornings with me. You cook when I cook and get the little vacuum out when I vacuum. I don't know if it's a phase, because you've been sick, or just because you love me, but you've been such a momma's girl lately. At church it has to be MY lap (which is slowly disappearing). At night it has to be me who rocks you. "Momma hold you" fixes most problems. I'm going to be devastated when this phase passes. I know that one day my hugs and kisses and arms won't be able to soothe all the boo boos, but I relish the position now.

Nana painted Great Grandmother's toes on Mother's day, and a certain little girl said "Me tun! I-yant toes!"

 

Girlfriend, you are still my giant baby. You wear size 3T clothes, have the most beautiful ringlets in your hair, and are finally getting your eye teeth! All 4 at one time. It's about as fun as it sounds. You've been weighing in at 35 lbs, but you might loose a little due to your lack of appetite the last week or so because you've been sick. Even a fever can't keep you down for long, but food has taken a back burner and currently are only eating about 1/4 of what you normally do. You are doing everything that you should, and you do it with a smile on your face and a mischievous gleam in your eye!

I love you love you love you. I'm so glad I get to be your momma. I can't wait to give you a sister. But I'm cherishing our time now with you being my girl. I hope that you're always my girl. Thank you, sweet Evan, for being you.

Birthday party: I'd already decided to have a joint party at the end of the month for both kids, since their friends are all in the same families, and it's a good thing too since Evan was sick this week. She barely made it through presents, dinner and cake! She enjoyed opening all of her presents, but I'm guessing she would have been a little more enthused if she'd felt 100%.

 "A neck-ace and base-yets!" (necklace and bracelets)

"I coy-yer Momma" (color)

 

 She got a new mixer for her birthday! Lucky for me, she's letting me borrow it and keep it in the kitchen since mine literally burned up a few months ago. I kept forgetting and having to borrow Nana's at the last minute!

Training up children

Last night in bible class, Scott was teaching about Abram and how he started a ripple effect- God led him to Canaan, but Abram took it upon himself to move his family to Egypt after that instead of staying, all without asking God what he should do. In Egypt he was given great wealth, which led to the destruction of his nephew's family. He was given a maidservant, Hagar, and we all know where that led. (Ishmael? Father of the Muslims?) All these seemingly good and "right" choices were made by Abram alone. Not once did he involve God in the decision making.

Obvious take away from this is.......always involve God in your decision making. Even if it seems like an easy no brainer that we can figure out on our own. That got me to thinking. Of course Satan whispers the lie of independence to us. Of course our selfish and prideful hearts want to do things on our own. BUT. As parents, have we failed our kids by not modeling this so that it becomes second nature when they have grown up?

We model everything for our kids. To death. We use please and thank you so when prompted, children won't look at us funny when asked to be polite. We say prayers out loud to instruct them of the proper and respectful way to come before our Lord. We buckle our own seat belts so that little voices won't pipe up from the back seat "Why do I have to if you aren't?" Same for eating our vegetables and following through with responsibilities we don't particularly enjoy.

So at what point do we, as parents, need to accept the responsibility for when the next generation goes a little awry when it comes to how they make choices for their life? I've realized that I'm going to have to be a chain-breaker. I am going to have to start making a conscious decision every day to model for my children what it means to include God in their life choices. I want for it to be in their nature to ask God for guidance in what they should or shouldn't be doing. And this means, just as I lost all private bathroom trip privileges when I bore children, I've also lost some of my rights to private prayer requests. (I said some. Not all. They are still children, you know.)

Luke's going to be making a choice in a few months on whether he wants to continue to play tee ball or switch back to soccer. I can't forget to pray about that with him.

He'll be starting kindergarten in the fall, which means choosing new friends. I can't forget to pray about that with him.

Will my children get it right all of time? Please. I hope no one is naive enough to think that eventually they will. But hopefully they will gain insight and learn to hear what the voice of their Father really sounds like so that when the REALLY BIG DECISIONS come (like... Should I get baptized now? Should I marry this person? What career should I have?) they will be able to decipher between the quiet whisper of the One who knows all and the subtle wooing of their own selfish desires. And maybe, just maybe, they won't be thirty and looking back, wondering where it all went wrong.

A letter to my girl

My baby girl, we've made it almost two years together. And my, how you've changed these twenty two months. How I've changed.  First off, I'm totally smitten with you. Even though your favorite word is "no" right now ("Evan, can I have a hug?" "No." "Can I have a kiss?" "No." "Let's change your diaper." "No.") and your sass can get a little out of control, I love you so much and I can't get enough of you. Oh, the way you make me laugh. One day we were in your room and I told you to come change your clothes. You went and sat in your chair, held up your first finger, and told me in a minute with a grin on your face that told me you knew you were being a toot. The sass. It kills.

You, you my dear, have got to be the most beautiful little girl ever. I just stare at you all the time and wonder how I got such a pretty little thing.  I love your curls. I love your sweet skin. I love your pudgy arms and legs, the budah belly, and your long eye lashes. I even love your bed head.

But you have also opened my eyes in so many ways. The way you are such a little copy cat (something your brother NEVER had done) makes me realize the example I am setting for you. You try your best to get your leg up on the foot board of the bed to "put" on lotion like I'm doing. You want to sit on the bathroom counter while I put on make up, and yesterday when I looked down you had opened a tube of hand cream and was rubbing some on your face as I applied sunscreen. You want your nails done with mine, and wanted your necklace off on Sunday until I pointed out the necklace I was wearing.

So what am I doing to help encourage all of this budding self esteem? Is watching me put on makeup while saying "Look! Pretty Momma is back!" really helping you discover your true inner beauty? I'm going with no. I so hope over the next 15 years I can help you to realize that true beauty comes from a gentle heart, a caring soul, an attitude of compassion.  Kind and loving words make a far deeper impression than the make up you put on. Unless you put on an absolute ridiculous amount of make up. That can make quite the impression too. (and not the kind you want) So, I'm trying my best to set the example I want you to have. I will pledge, as your mother, to show you what it's like to not be just a woman, but a woman of God. And lady. Always be a lady. I hope that as you watch me deal with people, you learn how to treat fellow children of God. How to deal with the pressures of the world in a Christlike manner. How to be the kind of woman God designed you to be.

Baby, please don't ever forget how beautiful you are. There are going to be people who make you feel ugly. There are going to be days where you hate every part of you. There will be pressure to look certain ways. But don't listen to the lies. Be you. All the way. Because it truly is enough. And I know that one day is coming where you won't want to do what I do. You'll roll your eyes at how old fashioned I am, and start the painful/awkward/necessary transition into being your own person.

I do promise that it gets better though. If you don't believe me, just look at my middle school pictures. You'll figure out what to do with your hair, realize that clothes CAN fit your body (which I promise looks fantastic), and which shade of eyeshadow really makes your eyes pop. Not that that will matter in the long run. Because you'll also figure out you have a Savior who loves you no matter what- no matter what you look like, feel like, have done, or will do, and that His transformation will make your already beautiful heart shine.

Sweet Evan Elaine. I love you. Grow up well, little girl.

Spilling the beans

Well, there's no other way to say it than....

I'm pregnant! 10 weeks, due October 20th!

I'll give you a second to get over the shock. (just look at the baaaaaay-beeeee! even though he doesn't look like a baby)



I have to say, I'm thrilled. I was truly convinced I wouldn't have any more babies.  To the point of already getting rid of a bunch of baby things and all of my maternity clothes. I am so excited to be having another baby. I can't wait to hold him.  I can't wait to nurse him. I pass by the newborn sized clothes and I get all giddy. 

Obviously this was a giant surprise. As you know, Jacob and I had broken up on Valentine's day and I didn't find out I was pregnant until about 3 weeks ago. I'd been having a really hard time. Like, really hard. I couldn't stop crying and that's not like me. I took a pregnancy test on a whim at lunch so that I could get all irrational reasons out of my head as to why I was acting crazy, and it turned out positive.  I called Jacob into the hall and told him immediately.

Over the last few weeks we've had our ups and downs. We aren't getting back together as of right now. While we do love each other, we feel like putting this kind of stress on ourselves isn't what it best at the moment. If we end up together we want to make sure it's because we want to be with the other person, not simply because we are having a baby. But whether or not we get back together, he's going to be there. He went to the sonogram and is going to the dr appointment in a couple of weeks. It's actually really sweet how concerned he is- always asking if I'm okay, if the baby is okay, making sure I'm as least stressed as possible, etc.

As for whether or not I'm doing okay, for the most part I am. Sure I get overwhelmed sometimes at the thought of being a single mom to three kids. I can barely survive with the two I've got at times. BUT, I believe that babies are nothing but a blessing and I am more than willing to work and fight for my family. God knew this baby before the beginning of time, and I'm certain that He never makes mistakes (no matter what mine are). Everyone I talked to has been nothing but kind, supportive, and encouraging. I'm not gonna lie, I was really worried about the reaction of people. Before I told anyone the shame was so hard to bear. But I have been shocked. Not one person has been disappointed in me. Not one person has condemned. Talk about being shown God's love, grace, and mercy through all of this.

So, my family is changing. Growing.

Pretty soon it's not just going to be three faces in my family photos. Luke knows, but isn't all that interested (he's a true boy!) (he did ask how the baby was going to get out- I told him Mom had special parts that let the baby out, and wanted to know about the hospital- he remembered me going when Evan was born) and I know Evan is going to LOVE the baby. Girlfriend is nuts for babies.  This face?

That's the face of a helper right there.

Dating

So. A post about dating is one I've played around with in my head for awhile, but always felt weird about actually putting out there.  Because it is weird. And I've had kind of a hard time with it.

Yes, I'm dating someone right now.  He's caring and patient and loves me for who I am. Am I going to marry him?  Probably not.  But it's been interesting to learn the ropes.

Honestly?  I still suck at it.  I distinctly remember a few years ago thinking "Thank you Jesus for bringing me my husband so early in life.  My poor heart- I don't think I would fare well in the dating world.  That is JUST not. for. me."

Yet, here I am. 

Cody and I started "dating" when we were 15.  Got engaged at 19, and got married 6 months later.  The dating scene?  Skipped it completely.

So now, I'm 29 years old and have no idea what to do.  What to expect.  In my head, when you are with someone, in a relationship, you are WITH them.  Activities, church, dinner, life.  Together.  I'm having the hardest time separating the all inclusive togetherness of marriage with the more casual togetherness of dating.  It causes fights.

I have my life.

He has his. 

And they are not one in the same. 

This leaves me with disappointed expectations.  Quiet lonely evenings after the kids are in bed.  I miss the companionship of having my friend around all the time.

It's been hard to be patient through this. I know I most likely have YEARS of this ahead of me, and it's overwhelming to think about. I know the "christian" answer- that I'm supposed to find peace and fulfillment right where I am and be thankful for this time to focus on God, the kids, and myself.  I'm also pretty sure most of the people who think this or would give me that advice are people who are already married.  So to you...suck it.  Why don't you get left behind by your love and then try to find "peace and fulfillment". 

Oh my.  That sounded bitter. 

I'm (okay, mostly) not really bitter.  I just get frustrated by people who think they know the answers when they haven't been in the situation at all.

So, that's what goes on in my head.  Have a single mom in your life?  Here's a tip.  Encourage her.  Tell her that her situation sucks but she is rocking it.  That you don't know how things are going to turn out for her, but you are praying for her and excited be on the journey with her to see where life is going to take her. 

It's over

So.  I've put this off for a few days.  Notice I said DAYS and not MONTHS like I did last time I had some unfortunate news. Friday I took the day off and met Cody at the courthouse.  I got there at 8, and by 8:45 the divorce was finalized and the marriage was officially over.  We all know that it's really been over for a very long time, but there was something so......I don't even know what......about standing in front of that judge. 

I didn't cry.

I've cried all my tears. 

I didn't smile. 

It's not what was supposed to happen.

But it's done. And there really isn't too much more to say on the topic. I've written how I feel in various posts along the way.  Now I've just got closure. 

The tricky part from here on out is when the questions start coming in from the kids.  Just two days ago Luke asked for the first time why Daddy and Daisy don't live with us.  I didn't know what to say.  I don't know how to answer that.  And I have the feeling it's not really going to get easier. 

So.  There's that.

Now I've just got a whole slew of pictures from the last few weeks.  Most of them don't need explaining.  Some of them do.  That boy of mine is coming up with some pretty hilarious ideas in his head. 

See?  I had no clue he even knew what ghosts were.  The way that he "argues" with you and tries to convince you of his way cracks me up.  Take last night.  He really wanted Smarties with his dinner.  I told him if he ate his dinner THEN he could have them.  "Ooooor, maybe I'll just have them with my dinner." (said with the cutest grin ever) I echoed him with AFTER dinner.  His response was the same.  Guess who eventually won?

ME!  One day he'll learn that I always win.  ;)

They had a big bulletin up at church with lots of kid's artwork explaining what they were thankful for.  Luke's?

The sticker says "I am thankful for..." Train Tracks.  No surprise there.

 

Cody brought over some superhero costumes the other day that a friend of his had passed on from his kid.  After a few days of sitting there, Luke finally took an interest.  This was a first.

 

 

And I don't think he knew what to do about it. Sure he has his ornery moments.  He gets stubborn and frustrated and impossible when he doesn't know how to handle all of his feelings. But this face?

 

 

I could cuddle for a million years. 

 

Her face too.

 

 

Girlfriend has been BUSY.  She explores and tastes and plays and wants to be just like Bubba in all the worst ways.  His cup is the best.  His toys are the best.  When the big kids play she tries so hard to keep up.  She gets frustrated when she can't.  She still doesn't have any words except for Mom, which makes her frustrations even harder to handle.  She's taken up biting.  :(  Not hard, not ever broken skin, but she does put her teeth on you and squeezes ever so slightly.  Luke didn't bite at all, so I have no idea what to do about it. 

 

Evan has also started to have a little bit of separations anxiety.  Breaks my momma heart.  During bath time she can't bear for me to even step out of the room for a second.  Luke takes 10 years to eat dinner and wants me to sit at the table with him.  Obviously I can't do both at the same time.  Which makes for evenings like this.

 

 

One kid in the bath happily drawing on my back with an old soap dispenser, while the other one dines on the potty telling me about his day.  It's parenting at it's finest.

 

And finally, just a few more of the shenanigans of the Little.

 

 

Feed me? Put me in here and give me food?

 

I was tossing out the very end of an old box of Cheerios that had gone way stale.  She found them.  She opened them. She didn't care.

 

This is what happens when you FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT the mid-church nap.  You don't even make it out of the parking lot.

Sprinklers.  Need I say more?

 

 

 

 

What's your motivation

So, apparently I've got a new soap box.  Are you ready?

On Sunday morning in bible class, there was a prayer request asking that the Lord would help this individual be a better Christian.

For some reason it struck me as off.  Like, bothered me enough that 4 days later I'm still thinking about it. And, I think I've finally figured out why.

I understood what she meant.  I get that when people say "I need to be a better Christian" they mean make better choices for themselves, for the witness that they are putting out there by labeling their life Christian.  It's the motivation behind it that bothers me.  Just "trying to be a good Christian" takes the whole point out- Jesus.  When you look at your actions through the lens of Jesus, then it changes how you think about doing things.  Suddenly you aren't stuck facing everyday with a looming field of sin obstacles just waiting to trip you up.  There isn't a need for Jesus and His unmovable love in that field.  It's just you and your thoughts and your actions.  Not cussing because you're not supposed to.  Listening to the right music because it's the thing to do.  No need for the relationship that saves you because you got this.  Just gotta be a good Christian and I'll be alright. 

Oh, how those in that mind set miss out.  Because Jesus?  He takes that burden off of you.  When you love him, I mean LOVE Him, suddenly you get the "why" behind all the do's and don'ts of Christianity.  Your relationship is much more important than the joke that you tell or places that you go.  The thought of disappointing Him causes all the luster of sin to evaporate.  And so does the obstacle course.  Sure, your personal strongholds will still crop up and try to bring you down (and sometimes down you'll go). But instead of painting warrior stripes under your eyes and tightening your shoelaces, you'll huddle under the saving grace of Jesus until you are both on the other side.  The sorrow of failing Him will weigh deeply on your soul, but His mercy will be new every morning. 

How I yearn for people "just trying to be good" to know their Father.  How I wish they could see the distinction between trying to save themselves through their actions and letting a love greater than they will ever know save them.  And please don't think I think I've got it all figured out.  Believe me.

Beh-leave meh.

Sometimes I'm a terrible Christian.  I'm judgemental, I get stuck in pity parties, I don't read my bible like I should.  But I don't ever want to be a better Christian.  I want to love Jesus better.  I want my relationship with Him to grow deeper so that those strongholds lessen.  I want people to see his grace and mercy in me, not just the list of activities I refrain from.  I want the things that I do or don't do to stem from my desire to be pleasing in His sight. 

So there you go.  I'll step down off my box now. 

And just so you know it's still me, here's me and my adorable girl with the curls that keep growing....

Coming Clean

Well, this is another post I've been putting off having to write.  I've been dreading this since March.  It was a Wednesday afternoon, I think I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and I was on the phone with Cody, frustrated that he had made plans to go out again every night that weekend.  All of the sudden he was out with it.

"I don't want to do this anymore.  As soon as the baby comes and you get settled and get a job, I'm moving out."

My world shattered.  I shut down for the next few days.  I went in between denial and hysteria.

I quickly got myself into counseling through a counseling center here in town, and that helped.  This has, and will continue, to leave a lot of scars and baggage.  Being so totally rejected by the person who is supposed to love you no matter what is devastating, but having it happen when you are almost 40 lbs heavier than normal is....I don't know what.  Awful.

Over the last few months I have begged, pleaded, prayed, fasted, and wept the soul crushing sobs that lead to hyperventilation.  I've tried to hide it from Luke, but he's caught me enough times that to this day he asks me every few minutes "Momma happy?"  As if I didn't have enough heart break as it is, lets add the innocent question of my three year old.

The idea of being a single mom isn't new to me, I've pretty much carried the role for the last three years, but to have it made official is so painful.  I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me.  Divorce happens  to other people.  Friends of friends.  Not here.  Not to me.  I never imagined that I would grow old alone.  Sure, we've had a rough marriage, but I just assumed that it would get better.  That's one reason I didn't tell anyone for a very long time.  It would just get better.  We were meant to be together, so surely this wouldn't follow through.  I've been in a relationship with this man for 12 years- dated for 4 and married for 8 (in two weeks).  It's always been Cody and Lindsey.

But now I've got a job.  Next Monday I'll be training for the secretary job and Joby's brother's office (where he works too).  I've enrolled my children in.....day care.  The thought of that makes me want to throw up.  I cried and cried when I signed them up. Thankfully they won't have to actually go until August 15th, since Mom wants to keep them till she goes back to school.  I've been mourning this week the loss of my SAHM status.  Staying home these last two years has shown me that my real calling is to be a mom, so to have to give that roll up for a divorce I don't even want is crushing.  I'm trying this week to just lay low, hold my babies, and cherish these last few days with them.  This is it.  This is all I get.

Thankfully God has granted me personal strength and a great support system.  Once I finally told my parents they swooped in and have helped in any way I would let them.  Shae has been a huge blessing, letting me vent constantly and babysitting when I had counseling appointments.  My sister stepped up during Evan's birth.  I've gotten hugs, phone calls, messages, and visits with sweet words of encouragement from friends.

I don't know what is going to happen from here.  Cody is still living in the house (talk about salt on the wound.  Having to be around him and not hug him or anything makes me ache) but now that I have a job I'm assuming that he's moving out soon.  I don't know how God is going to work in this situation, but I'm confident that He is.  I'm sure that whatever the outcome is, it is in the best interest of my children, because EVERYTHING that He does is for His glory.  I just have to figure out which ways to give it.  I want to stay in the house if possible so that Luke has one stable factor in this whole situation, so his entire world isn't turned upside down.

So, that's what's been going on.  I know that Jesus has his arms around us and will hold  us through the process.  I'm just so sad that he didn't want to try any more, that it all had to end.  I hope and pray that my children come out okay.  I pray that I come out okay.  With Jesus, we will.