The Story

My sweet baby,
I just want to say up front that no matter how your daddy or I felt initially, we are so very thankful for the gift that is you.  We love you no matter what and could not imagine our life without you.  Besides walking daily with the Lord, you and your brother are the greatest gifts I could possibly imagine.  I love you more than you will ever know!   Thank you for being you.

I don't think it's any big surprise to anyone that we weren't planning on getting pregnant.  I think it's pretty common knowledge that Cody was content with one kid period.  Couple all that with the fact that over the last two and half years I haven't ovulated or used any form of birth control, things were looking pretty solid on it staying just the three of us.  And I was becoming okay with that.  I was realizing that we really didn't have the money for a baby, nor a place to put a baby.  Those were things I didn't really want to deal with.

Friday September 24th I was headed to the Ladies Retreat for church.  But I had a sinking feeling I was pregnant.  I told Cody that morning before he went to work what I thought, but I told him I didn't want to take a test.  I was scared.  Our marriage had been on some serious rocks lately.  I didn't want him to be angry with me like he was when we found out about Luke.  I wasn't ready to deal with the repercussions of what a new baby would mean.  Right before Cody went to work I took one anyway.  And there was a second line.  Barely more than a shadow.  But it was there.  And as my friend Brandy would say, a positive is a positive is a positive.  Cody and I just looked at each other like "Hmmm!  Well, all right then."  He went to work.

After he left I broke down.  I called my friend Kendra and she talked me through it.  She told me the things I needed to hear.  Like this was God's plan.  Of course it was.  It was a miracle.  It wasn't supposed to happen and it did.  He already knew how we would pay for it and where it would go.  I was being trusted (again) to raise a new disciple of God.   I felt so much better.  So much more at peace.  In fact, despite the denial I was still in I told Sara at the retreat so that I could giggle about it with someone.  And giggle we did.  When I needed waffles at 11:00 pm she was my wing man and totally made it happen. 

Cody had told his parents while I was at the retreat, so I told my parents when I got home.  They were thrilled.  Of course!  What grandparent doesn't want another grand baby?!  After that I was done telling for awhile.  The appointment that I had on Monday was the sonogram, and I wanted to wait until after that to tell people.  I thought I would be about 7 weeks then, and that sounded like a good time to me. 

When I got to the sonogram I expect to see the same thing I saw at Luke's 7 week sonogram- a big throbbing bean shaped heartbeat.  Instead there was this little speck the size of a corn kernel that was barely flickering.  I panicked.  I was so afraid that the tech was going to tell me the baby had stopped growing too early and I just hadn't miscarried yet.  But she just said I was measuring about 5 days earlier than we thought and that was totally normal for someone like me.  So I'm only 6 weeks along.  That seems really early to me to start telling people, but I'm terrible at keeping my own secrets.  Other people?  Totally great as many of you can attest to.  My own?  Awful.  Plus I wanted to be able to be honest here on the blog about what I was feeling so that I'll remember what I was going through. 

And you know what?  I'm glad I'm writing this now instead of three weeks ago.  I'm excited now.  I love this baby.  I am totally looking forward to holding my sweet baby.  I look forward to giving it a name.  To taking my CHILDREN to church.  The shroud of denial is slowly dropping away and the reality of my new gift is sinking in. And I'm so so so very thankful.