Saturday, September 21, 2013

Lonely vs. Contentment

I'm sitting here on my couch. It's a gorgeous day. The temp has finally dropped, the windows are open, my sweet home is filled with natural light and a cool breeze. After a morning of errands, my amazing children are playing nicely together in a tidy house and life feels peaceful.  I've got a Mercy Me station playing on the tv and their song "Bring the Rain" pulses around us. It occurs to me how applicable the lyrics are.

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through

I'm struck again with internal conflict I've dealt with for the last two years. This whole issue with my deep desire to share my life with someone vs the ever looming possibility that God is actually calling me to be single. Looking around, I don't understand why someone wouldn't want this life with me- it's beautiful and messy and loud and peaceful all at the same time. It's GOOD. But does the loneliness actually mean that I'm not content? Does my desire for more mean I'm not doing this trust thing right? Can you really be content yet lonely at the same time?

The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

I don't believe my circumstances change who I am in God's eyes. Even if I don't always believe it in my heart, my head knows that God has seen the hurt and the pain, that He's not mad at me for getting pregnant or having a failed marriage.

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

If there has been anything to learn from the darkness of divorce and the pain of having another baby with an ex it's that I have no choice but to lean on Him. What else can I do? While I may hate that I've cried out to Him over and over again for things to get better, it really has never crossed my mind to turn my back.

So I pray
 Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Right now all I can see ahead of me are the long years stretched out of trying to do this by myself. The idea of all that loneliness is so overwhelming. You wouldn't believe how painful it is to watch everyone around me have happy marriages, post statuses about how amazing their spouse is, have all that seems just out of reach for me. But what if that's the only way for me to keep my eyes on Christ like I'm supposed to? Will I still follow? Will I still praise Him no matter what? Even though I'm so disappointed?

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

On days like today when the sun is shining and the air smells fresh and a breeze is blowing, it's much easier to say "what's a little rain?" But I know that another day is coming when there isn't peace. Heck it might even be this evening, when the kids are whining and my patience is gone and there isn't anyone to tag into the ring and let me slink away to a quiet corner. Will I be able to say "what's a little rain?" then?

So I pray
Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

I hope so. I'm not naïve enough to say that it will be my answer 100%, but I think as long as it's a work in progress God will be satisfied.

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