Monday, July 18, 2011

Coming Clean

Well, this is another post I've been putting off having to write.  I've been dreading this since March.  It was a Wednesday afternoon, I think I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and I was on the phone with Cody, frustrated that he had made plans to go out again every night that weekend.  All of the sudden he was out with it.

"I don't want to do this anymore.  As soon as the baby comes and you get settled and get a job, I'm moving out."

My world shattered.  I shut down for the next few days.  I went in between denial and hysteria.

I quickly got myself into counseling through a counseling center here in town, and that helped.  This has, and will continue, to leave a lot of scars and baggage.  Being so totally rejected by the person who is supposed to love you no matter what is devastating, but having it happen when you are almost 40 lbs heavier than normal is....I don't know what.  Awful.

Over the last few months I have begged, pleaded, prayed, fasted, and wept the soul crushing sobs that lead to hyperventilation.  I've tried to hide it from Luke, but he's caught me enough times that to this day he asks me every few minutes "Momma happy?"  As if I didn't have enough heart break as it is, lets add the innocent question of my three year old.

The idea of being a single mom isn't new to me, I've pretty much carried the role for the last three years, but to have it made official is so painful.  I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me.  Divorce happens  to other people.  Friends of friends.  Not here.  Not to me.  I never imagined that I would grow old alone.  Sure, we've had a rough marriage, but I just assumed that it would get better.  That's one reason I didn't tell anyone for a very long time.  It would just get better.  We were meant to be together, so surely this wouldn't follow through.  I've been in a relationship with this man for 12 years- dated for 4 and married for 8 (in two weeks).  It's always been Cody and Lindsey.

But now I've got a job.  Next Monday I'll be training for the secretary job and Joby's brother's office (where he works too).  I've enrolled my children in.....day care.  The thought of that makes me want to throw up.  I cried and cried when I signed them up. Thankfully they won't have to actually go until August 15th, since Mom wants to keep them till she goes back to school.  I've been mourning this week the loss of my SAHM status.  Staying home these last two years has shown me that my real calling is to be a mom, so to have to give that roll up for a divorce I don't even want is crushing.  I'm trying this week to just lay low, hold my babies, and cherish these last few days with them.  This is it.  This is all I get.

Thankfully God has granted me personal strength and a great support system.  Once I finally told my parents they swooped in and have helped in any way I would let them.  Shae has been a huge blessing, letting me vent constantly and babysitting when I had counseling appointments.  My sister stepped up during Evan's birth.  I've gotten hugs, phone calls, messages, and visits with sweet words of encouragement from friends.

I don't know what is going to happen from here.  Cody is still living in the house (talk about salt on the wound.  Having to be around him and not hug him or anything makes me ache) but now that I have a job I'm assuming that he's moving out soon.  I don't know how God is going to work in this situation, but I'm confident that He is.  I'm sure that whatever the outcome is, it is in the best interest of my children, because EVERYTHING that He does is for His glory.  I just have to figure out which ways to give it.  I want to stay in the house if possible so that Luke has one stable factor in this whole situation, so his entire world isn't turned upside down.

So, that's what's been going on.  I know that Jesus has his arms around us and will hold  us through the process.  I'm just so sad that he didn't want to try any more, that it all had to end.  I hope and pray that my children come out okay.  I pray that I come out okay.  With Jesus, we will.

15 comments:

The Raymond Family said...

Love you friend!

pscat said...

Lindsey my heart breaks reading this. I have open ears whenever you need them. He will regret this someday. You are worth fighting for. Keep that head held high and remember it is okay to let all the pain out now and again. And remember those babies will give you a million hugs and kisses a day if you need them! Lots of prayers and love! And anything you need just shout!

Anonymous said...

We love you and will always be there for you!
~This Texas Momma's momma and daddy~

TX Mommy said...

I'm just heartbroken for you Lindsey. You are an amazing woman and one amazing momma. This new chapter will be hard but remember you have a great family and great friends.

Lucy Marie said...

My friend. You know that I (and so many others) have been praying for you through this. And I will continue to do so. That is my promise to you.

I read this last night at 3:15 am when I was up with the baby, I couldn't bring myself to form a coherent blog post at that time, but know that I spend a good deal of time in prayer for you right then and there.

Your strength, grace and faith in our Lord Jesus never ceases to amaze me.

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing person Lindsey and I know God will see you through this and bring you out stronger on the other side with whatever happens. We love you all and are praying for your family. Lots of love, Brandie

Anonymous said...

You are an amazing person Lindsey and I know God will see you through this and bring you out stronger on the other side with whatever happens. We love you all and are praying for your family. Lots of love, Brandie

Jaclyn_Rose said...

Hi - I've been reading your blog since near the beginning of your pregnancy with Evan... I had been recently wondering how things were going with you and your husband.

I'm so sorry to hear about this, but I will keep you in my prayers! It looks like you have a lot of great friends and family surrounding you.

The Holland Family said...

Praying for you and your precious babies. Always remember, God is BIG enough!

Katy said...

Praying for you girl. I'm so sorry to hear about this. Love you and please let us know how we can help.

Carissa said...

I'm so sorry. I'm just down the road in Fort Worth. If you ever need a babysitter or time to get away, please let me know!!

Erin Hayes said...

Hi Lindsey :) I was really sad to read this post (you know I've stalked you from the beginning). But, it really amazed me that within the sadness & heartbreak, your strength and faith shined through..that is so admirable, and just goes to show what an incredibly strong woman you are. God does have a plan, and even with these tests of faith, He will guide you through. You are and will remain an amazing mom, just continue to keep your head up and your heart strong. Sending thoughts and prayers :)
-Erin

Melanie said...

David and I are so broken-hearted for you. Know that there is a little family in Kentucky praying for you and your sweet children. Sounds like you are surrounded by people that love you and your faith through this is astounding.

Arrie said...

You sound like you are being so strong! I have always thought you are a great mother and a strong Christian woman. It will be a challenge for sure but I know you are up for it. I literally live so close to you and would love to keep your babies that are so close in age to mine ANY time. I think our boys would love to play together. I am praying for you and all the adjustments to come.

Sarah Smith said...

My parents divorced when I was 2 and I had to go through the back and forth deal with them, and still do. Two major points to make....YOU will be OK. The kids will be OK. I promise. There will be some tough times and questions and trying to make sense of it all but in the end, God is looking at for you and them. They have a father that is there with them 24/7, the heavenly father. You guys have not been abandoned, nor will you ever be. I know its hard...I grew up seeing that, but you have sooooo many people that love you and the kids that they will help you stay strong on weak days, and happy on sad days. Just make sure you let them in to help. :)