Coming Clean

Well, this is another post I've been putting off having to write.  I've been dreading this since March.  It was a Wednesday afternoon, I think I was about 30 weeks pregnant, and I was on the phone with Cody, frustrated that he had made plans to go out again every night that weekend.  All of the sudden he was out with it.

"I don't want to do this anymore.  As soon as the baby comes and you get settled and get a job, I'm moving out."

My world shattered.  I shut down for the next few days.  I went in between denial and hysteria.

I quickly got myself into counseling through a counseling center here in town, and that helped.  This has, and will continue, to leave a lot of scars and baggage.  Being so totally rejected by the person who is supposed to love you no matter what is devastating, but having it happen when you are almost 40 lbs heavier than normal is....I don't know what.  Awful.

Over the last few months I have begged, pleaded, prayed, fasted, and wept the soul crushing sobs that lead to hyperventilation.  I've tried to hide it from Luke, but he's caught me enough times that to this day he asks me every few minutes "Momma happy?"  As if I didn't have enough heart break as it is, lets add the innocent question of my three year old.

The idea of being a single mom isn't new to me, I've pretty much carried the role for the last three years, but to have it made official is so painful.  I never in a million years thought that this would happen to me.  Divorce happens  to other people.  Friends of friends.  Not here.  Not to me.  I never imagined that I would grow old alone.  Sure, we've had a rough marriage, but I just assumed that it would get better.  That's one reason I didn't tell anyone for a very long time.  It would just get better.  We were meant to be together, so surely this wouldn't follow through.  I've been in a relationship with this man for 12 years- dated for 4 and married for 8 (in two weeks).  It's always been Cody and Lindsey.

But now I've got a job.  Next Monday I'll be training for the secretary job and Joby's brother's office (where he works too).  I've enrolled my children in.....day care.  The thought of that makes me want to throw up.  I cried and cried when I signed them up. Thankfully they won't have to actually go until August 15th, since Mom wants to keep them till she goes back to school.  I've been mourning this week the loss of my SAHM status.  Staying home these last two years has shown me that my real calling is to be a mom, so to have to give that roll up for a divorce I don't even want is crushing.  I'm trying this week to just lay low, hold my babies, and cherish these last few days with them.  This is it.  This is all I get.

Thankfully God has granted me personal strength and a great support system.  Once I finally told my parents they swooped in and have helped in any way I would let them.  Shae has been a huge blessing, letting me vent constantly and babysitting when I had counseling appointments.  My sister stepped up during Evan's birth.  I've gotten hugs, phone calls, messages, and visits with sweet words of encouragement from friends.

I don't know what is going to happen from here.  Cody is still living in the house (talk about salt on the wound.  Having to be around him and not hug him or anything makes me ache) but now that I have a job I'm assuming that he's moving out soon.  I don't know how God is going to work in this situation, but I'm confident that He is.  I'm sure that whatever the outcome is, it is in the best interest of my children, because EVERYTHING that He does is for His glory.  I just have to figure out which ways to give it.  I want to stay in the house if possible so that Luke has one stable factor in this whole situation, so his entire world isn't turned upside down.

So, that's what's been going on.  I know that Jesus has his arms around us and will hold  us through the process.  I'm just so sad that he didn't want to try any more, that it all had to end.  I hope and pray that my children come out okay.  I pray that I come out okay.  With Jesus, we will.